


Sadness is a Petty Feeling (I don’t know how else to feel)

by DalmaArlissthayr



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Character Study, Declarations Of Love, Feelings, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love and Companionship, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, author is weak and doesn't know how to write angst so maybe this isn't so bad, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24104047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalmaArlissthayr/pseuds/DalmaArlissthayr
Summary: Buck accepted a long time ago that he was going to be alone for the rest of his life, no matter how many people were with him, maybe it was time to stop fighting so hard to stop it from happening.Aka Buck is feeling all the shit that has happened in his life hitting all at once, and Eddie decides to tell him some very necessary truths.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 163





	Sadness is a Petty Feeling (I don’t know how else to feel)

**Author's Note:**

> Author apologises beforehand for any grammar error left behind. If you like it come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/DalmaWriter) and maybe leave a prompt for me.

The thing about growing alone is that you get used to relationships being something fleeting, a good – or bad – thing born at the moment that was destined to die no long after. Buck spent most of his adult life jumping from a side to another without plan or backup whatsoever. His parents never called, his sister was living her best life with her rich husband and a pretty house with a white fence, and he was alone to take care of himself.

Buck joked about it a lot. ‘He was a Buckley, why would he need help?’ ‘Dating? He just wanted to have fun, why ruin that with a relationship?’ And so he went on, his coworkers every day more fed up with him, people coming in and out of his life easily and without complications, and alone.

(‘Without complications’. Except that there were complications, there always were, because he slept with the wrong person and the wrong time, because he fell in love when he wasn’t supposed to, because he managed to have a good thing for a second and then _he was left alone again…_ )

He tried to tone it down after being ‘fired’, after all, he knew Bobby was willing to take so much shit before finally snap at him for real, so he decided to stop pushing his luck, and then he met Abby and everything seemed to be alright.

But it wasn’t, and then the world seemed to go crazy on him. Maddie, Eddie, the bomb and his fucking leg being crushed by a truck. The lawsuit and being alone once again. Not get him wrong, Buck was delighted to have his sister back in his life, but he often thought that the two of them could’ve done it without most of the drama that came with it. He started to think that maybe if he’d pushed more for his sister to stay, if he had insisted that something was off with Doug, then maybe all that shit wouldn’t have fall over them.

Or maybe it would, and things would’ve been way worse than they actually were. The mere idea was enough to keep him awake more often than not.

The loneliness would hit the worse back when he was doing his PT. The people working on him were all very nice and had the patience of actual saints for putting up with his moody ass for so long, but they were often the only ones in the room, and that was enough to make him uneasy. Eddie tried to be with him, but he had a child and a work to take care of and sometimes it was just too hard to leave everything to go watch Buck screaming at his therapist.

It didn’t mean they didn’t spend time together, all the contrary, Eddie tried to be with him as much as he could bringing Christopher and bulling the moodiness out of him, because he had to keep fighting. Because everything was going to be ok, Buck just need to relax, and he did, most of the time, because for some reason he wasn’t ready to acknowledge Eddie made him feel safe, grounded. Of course, then the tsunami hit and the shit with the lawsuit started and Buck had to suck everything up and watch his own back, _again._

(It had been month since it now, but something, while he was playing with Chris or in the middle of a reunion with the team, sometimes even in the middle of a call, he would look at Eddie and heard his voice in his head. _You’re exhausting,_ he had said, and remember that made Buck’s heart ache.)

He was so used to feeling like that that most of the time he didn’t notice that it wasn’t exactly normal. Buck would hear someone talking about how he wasn’t enough for them and would accept it like it was nothing, because that happened to everyone, right? He would just have to deal with it. Buck accepted a long time ago that he was going to be alone for the rest of his life, no matter how many people were with him, maybe it was time to stop fighting so hard to stop it from happening. It wasn’t like he let people talk shit about him, it wasn’t interfering with his job and it didn’t made him feel any worse, so Buck decided to stop thinking about it altogether, so the issue was forgotten.

Wrong.

Buck had been so fucking scared when Eddie cut his line. Then he was distraught, because _Eddie was dead, what was going to happen with Chris, oh God Eddie was dead what the hell was he supposed to do now…_

He only noticed what he was doing when Bobby picked him from the floor, screaming for Buck to calm down, effectively stopping Buck from trying to dig a hole in the grown with his bare hands. A time latter Eddie was in the hospital, and Buck could finally breathe, but the ache in his fingers was a constant reminder of what could’ve happened. Buck didn’t pay any attention to it, he concentrated his energies in painting his best smile in his face while talking to Eddie’s grandma, pretending it didn’t hurt like hell when he had to leave because visitation hours had ended and, well, _he wasn’t family._

“Are you okay over there, buddy?” Eddie asked to him exactly three days after being discharged from the hospital, and Buck had to beg for mercy because _the fucking idiot was hurt and he was asking if_ Buck _was alright? What the hell_

“Everything’s just peachy, man. Why don’t you stop moving and let me do the heavy work so you don’t, you know, end up back in the hospital.”

Unfortunately for Buck, Eddie wasn’t stupid, and worse, Eddie actually knew him, so he wasn’t surprised at all when he noticed his friend didn’t seem to believe anything he was saying. Of course, Buck couldn’t tell him what was really happening, because it’d involve a level of honestly that he wasn’t ready to give, and it’d probably send Eddie running for the hills in a blink.

What happened with Red was the last straw. That was the moment Buck noticed he couldn’t be alone, he didn’t want to, didn’t want to end like Red, because it would kill him in no time. But looking back at his life he thought, rater sourly, that it wasn’t like he really had a say on the matter. After all, everyone ended leaving.

A week later, he was in Eddie’s kitchen, softly humming under his breath as he listened Chris talking about his day in school and how cool was going to be the science fair while Eddie was lying on the couch, taking little sips from his coffee like he had all the time in the world. For the first time in ages, Buck felt relaxed, embracing the ever-loved feeling of a home and the presence of the people he loved the most in the world.

It hit him right there like a ton of bricks: he wasn’t ready to give that up, to be alone again after having not matter for how short Christ and Eddie at his side.

He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this wonderful kid, full of joy and sweetness, to leave Eddie behind after he managed to get himself under his skin, growing shameless like a goddamn fungus and becoming a need in Buck’s life.

The realization was so sudden that he stopped all motion for a whole second, fear and desperation running through his body with no mercy, until he was able to get a hold of himself and went back to dry the dishes. Crisis aborted, everything was fine, and he wouldn’t have to think about it ever again. Unfortunately for him, Eddie was there, and his slip apparently had been long enough for the man to notice that something wasn’t right.

“Buck?”

“Mmm?”

“Are you– are you okay?”

“What.” Buck babbled, blinking dumbly in an attempt to feign confusion, staring at his friend like he’d just grew a second head. “Of course I’m okay.” And apparently he would have to watch out for his face a lot more, if Eddie asking him if things were alright two times in the same month meant something.

“You seem… off.”

Buck snorted “Right. Well, I’m perfectly fine, just so you know.”

When Eddie didn’t say a thing after a few minutes, Buck really started to think he got out of the hook. He leaved the kitchen at a cheerful pace and announced Chris it was his time to go to bed. Smiling so hard it hurt, Buck put Chris to bed and leaved him with a kiss on the forehead and a sweet dreams wish.

By the time he was back in the kitchen, he was ready forget they even had that conversation, to begin with. But then, and because his life had to be a bad joke, _Eddie_ of all people decided to became Mr. Healthy Communication – Eddie who’s barely able to talk about his feelings for three seconds before he feels the urge to puke – and sighed as he put his hands down, staring at the cold foam in the sink like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“You know, we never talked about the accident.” Eddie said, and Buck felt a cold hand twisting his insides. “I saw you on the news, all of you, and the way you worked to get me out of there… I never told you how grateful I was, _I am_ , for being alive and able to see my son again.”

Bucks eyes burned with tears, but he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm the hell down because _he wasn’t having a fucking break down in Eddie’s kitchen for God’s sake_

Ignorant of his inner dilemma – or maybe knowing very well what was happening in Buck’s mind but deciding to end whatever he was planning to do – Eddie continued talking, this time while procuring finish the chore in his hands.

“I’m grateful with all of you, but Buck, you looked so… _devastated,_ and it broke my heart when I saw the news, because I realized then that I if I died wouldn’t just leave Chris behind, I would’ve leaved you.”

When Eddie finally dragged his eyes from the dished he looked painfully sad, but also a little self-reproaching, like he couldn’t believe he just realized all that shit. And Buck, well, there weren’t any leaks on the roof so he really didn’t have an excuse for how wet his own eyes were.

“You’ve give us so much, Evan, and the worst part is that you don’t ask anything in return. You have my back both in and outside work, you introduced us to Carla because you noticed we needed help, you take care of Chris like he’s yours. Hell, you even dealt with my shit through all the Shannon business and I – I’m really starting to think that you really don’t know just how important you’ve became in our lives. I value you, Evan, so, _so much._ Screw that, I fucking love you and nothing is going to erase that fact, I want you to be with us for the rest of our lives, because you make them a hell lot better.”

Eddie really didn’t have any business being this… this, it was going to kill Buck and then what would be of them. At that point he was a crying mess and the only thing that made him feel slightly better was the fact that apparently Eddie wasn’t feeling very strong at the moment and decided that the best thing he could do was to dry his hands and cup his face with them, softly cleaning the tears from his cheeks.

“I’m telling you this because you’ve been so absent lately, so lost in that head of yours that I was worried we wouldn’t be able to get you back. I know the shit with Red hit you hard but you don’t have to worry because we’ll never leave you, no matter what.”

Eddie put his hand on his nape and pushed him down delicately, just like he did with Chris when he wanted him to come closer to him. It worked very well with Buck, who wasn’t bothered by it at all, especially when he give him a kiss on the forehead for his troubles.

“You’re not alone, Evan. We got your back.”

“ _I love you_.” Sobbed Buck, hiding his face against Eddie’s shoulders, and if the sharp breathe his friend just took said him something was that he finally managed to made Eddie understood just exactly how he loved him.

“I love you too, Evan” Eddie whispered in his ear. “So much that it’s frankly pathetic, please don’t forget I do”.

They kept like that for a while, enjoying the warm that came from the other’s body, and for a second Buck let himself think that maybe things were going to be alright. He was still fucked up – a confession, no matter how sweet and needed, wasn’t going to solve a lifetime of shit – and he was probably going to be for a while, but he was sure that with Eddie at his sides Buck could work things out.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, leave a kudo and maybe a comment.
> 
> You can come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/DalmaWriter)


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